Friday 11 July 2014

End of the Week Joy (The Weekend is Here!)

Here I am, wrapped up in a red jumper and a pair of Forever 21 jeans which have definitely seen better days, typing at 100mph on my bed with a troublesome kitten snugged against my side. On paper, it sounds like a crazy picture of happiness and irony, but being in the moment is a different matter altogether. Not only has my body been wrecked with exhaustion and one too many chocolate digestives from Aldi, but a cold has broken through protective barriers and has dragged me into a spell of general sickness. And, to add to my ever-growing list of pleasure, heat surrounds me wherever I go - including the ice cream aisle at the supermarket. Is my life as joyful as I portrayed it a few sentences ago? This stupid, oh-so-draining cold is the reason why my mood is all over the place, like the textbooks which transform my brother's desk into a mini landfill site.

Still, I'm not complaining, if such a thing makes sense. In fact, I'm in a better mood than of late because, since getting the initial symptoms of a cold yesterday afternoon, my parents granted me permission to not go to school today. After weeks of harassment and pile loads of stress related to school, I could not have possibly felt happier - forget Christmas, I indulged in festivities because I didn't have to endure another day of school!

To some and perhaps a lot of people (my knowledge of percentages only extend so far), reading my words might stir deep horror within themselves because, as I've said time and time again, education is the most important aspect of life. It becomes even more so when you reach a vital stage in your education like myself, when exams and qualifications swamp your mind with worry and hopefully determination to succeed in later life.

So, making no secret of my desire to avoid school might send alarm bells ringing - and, since reading it back, it has horrified myself to a certain extent. Who would I be without expressing my life-long love for learning or indeed bettering myself to higher standards? It's the essence of my being, of which is destined to last a lifetime. But, after putting up with day-to-day drama at school for over a month, it shouldn't raise any eyebrows in the sense that I've been running out of steam - and in need of a break.

Maybe if it wasn't for what I've had to put up with since starting at the school last month, this cold - which I hope leaves my system by the end of the weekend - might not have affected me as heavily, but nonetheless it is tradition to revert to childish ways and somewhat exaggerate my symptoms when I feel under the weather. Getting out of school for one day happens to be a bonus and, having stuck it out when I got a cold at the end of my first week, taking the day off today made up for the lack of compassion I offered myself in the past.

Anyway, you needn't worry about my posting pictures of Calpol medicine or lozenges like I did several months ago when a cold and a sore throat caught me off guard, because I have no desire to remind myself of sickness-related remedies. Luckily, my throat has so far remained unscathed from this illness despite sucking on a Strepsil earlier, although my cravings for lozenges - which often resemble sweets, albeit sugar-free - sometimes get out of hand. It's just my nose which is the biggest bother of all, and it revolts me if I need to blow at times when a tissue isn't always within reach.

For almost the whole week, my head had been pounding like a drum because of a lack of sleep, which I've hardly had any time to catch up on since my first day over five weeks ago. Although I have no trouble in falling asleep quickly, my early starts and jam-packed days exhaust the hell out of me, leaving very little time or energy for anything else - and, pardon the pun, I'm tired of it. From the comments about my so-called 'high heels' to crude jokes regarding clueless boys going out with me, I'm tired of literally everything related to my school which, as the main character from the hilarious St Trinian's declared (to my brother's hysterical laughter), is like Hogwarts for ******. The word in question - as covered my profanity-disguising asterisks - is open to debate because I wouldn't exactly go as far as saying it out loud, yet the line has popped into my thoughts from time to time.

Without a doubt, the school would committing an outrageous crime if it ever compared itself to the likes of Hogwarts or any (non-fictional) establishments; I wouldn't stand for it, but I question whether it would ever have the guts to declare such a statement. I feel let down and disappointed by what not only what I have endured, but also my younger brother who spent half an hour giving me the lowdown after getting home this afternoon. Why my tongue has come into contact with the bitter taste of disappointment is understandable because, before my brother and I started there, we were painted a spectacular image of what the school was like, but obviously we have seen its true colours, along with those of its pupils.

If I wrote a list detailing everything that both my brother and I have faced in just the past month alone, my hands would never stop typing and, with tonight's dinner of fish fingers being served in a while, I neither have the time nor the strength to go into full detail. Indeed, you can refer to my past entries on this blog to get an impression of my feelings about the school, because my opinions haven't just suddenly developed. Like a fire, it has been gently burning in the background for a while, but its heat has gotten hotter and hotter with each passing day. Now that the fire has reached burning point, so has my patience with the school - and, regardless of whatever is thrown at me, I'm having none of it.

Pupils and teachers might conform to a way of life which suits their views, but it doesn't mean that I will follow their example; in fact, I ridicule them for making me feel like the odd one out in practically everything I do. From tastes in music to mannerisms, no allowances seem to be accepted as to how I behave and express myself, whilst I'm forced to accept how everybody else treats me. Does the law say that, as a human right, we are free to express ourselves? If so, I cannot see how I've gained any freedom at the school and, as more time passes by, I question whether the right to be myself will ever be given to me, if ever at all.

Above all, I simply want to learn and make friends at school; in my mind, they are two simple demands which ought to be easily met, no questions asked. Sure, we can have a laugh and enjoy ourselves, but learning is the main purpose for which we get out of bed at the crack of dawn each morning - otherwise, why else would we go to school? However, I'm constantly finding it difficult to make acquaintances, let alone strike up a bond with an individual who could potentially become a friend. Although some might suggest that I'm being biased, I know that it isn't down to what I am doing because my actions aren't offensive or rude, but I believe that it is associated to one major issue: I don't conform.

Call me an anti-conformist, and I'll smile with pride because, at heart, it is who I am. I know my own mind and I respect, unwilling to abuse it or ignore it at the times I need its guidance most. Nobody determines what I should do nor who I shall be - only I have the right to correct or alter myself, if I ever feel the need to do so. And, most importantly of all, I don't care what people think about me because their opinions represent the problems existing within themselves which, instead of picking on me, they ought to address instead. But what is a strong-minded girl supposed to do when her peers shun her because of who she is - and will always be?

On a number of occasions, feelings of embarrassment, loneliness and sadness have knocked me off my feet as I've fought against these troubling woes at school, along with cravings to return to the comforting safety of home. I realize that, however hard you try, it is certain that you will meet people of all kinds - including the types you dislike - throughout life, and school is (unfortunately) no exception. However, is it right that I shall put up with these problems, shrugging them off as though they don't matter despite the obvious pain it inflicts upon me? Whether this matter relates to a son/daughter, close friend or even yourself, the answer always remains the same: no. Yet what should be the next course of action once you have identified the severity of such a dilemma, and what could happen in the near future?

That, at this moment in time, I don't know. For one thing, there is only a week and a half left until the summer holidays save me from yet more school-related doom, and I clutch tightly to the thought of having six school-free weeks with my family, hopefully exploring the county I now call my home. But such thoughts will be forgotten if more comments are tossed my way and anger sends my blood pressure rocketing beyond the furthest galaxy. With the guidance of my loving family, I'll get through the next week and beyond like I've had to since day one, but my beliefs have finally been confirmed: this school is not for me. What more can I say about it?

If students aren't bothered by fellow 'peers' (or ones who are at least a year younger than you but are caught in the belief that they know the be- and end-all about humanity) pressurizing them to follow the crowd, maybe my school would be right up your street. But why would I wish to throw away all that I've worked for the past seven years to achieve as a home-schooler in order to conform to the majority's way of thinking? I'm bigger and, dare I say it, better than that, so I'm able to see through false personas and sense nastiness from miles away.

Unfortunately, I've been left with no choice except to be on my guard at all times, otherwise I have no tools to defend myself with. My fellow peers and pupils might not necessarily gain great grades, but they use what little intelligence they possess to intimidate others, and it couldn't look more obvious if you display the slightest hint of fear. According to definitions of the word, school is supposed to prepare you for the working world and prepare you for working life. But, with several years until I can get a job, I already feeling like I'm working because school is a full-time occupation; I only regain a sense of happiness once I arrive home, no longer obliged to keep up a tough-as-nails act in the classroom.

By the time that I start my GCSE coursework in September, my fingers are crossed in the hope that life will have settled down and I will hopefully feel much happier. However, hope cannot always be trusted as an indicator of what the future holds and, judging by the current state of affairs, no crystal balls will be offering a glimpse featuring the positivity I seek in a few months' time. I want to gain an education above everything else because that was why I went back to school - and, believe me, it wasn't an easy decision to make! But my heart also aches to make friends, which explains why I'm disappointed over how disastrous my time at school has been. In all honesty, I think that I've given the school more chances than what many would have expected because, by this point, a few would have called it quits. Yes, it is tempting to give up and start over because the battle does look as though it is being lost, but even if I did leave, would I truly be a loser? Not at all!

In fact, the school would be the losers for losing two hard-working pupils who could have made a massive difference, and they would have no one except themselves to blame for letting my brother and I go. I put my faith into their hands before I even set foot through the gate, believing their every word and praying that they would live up to their promise of protecting me - but at what point must that faith be lost? Secretly, I began to lose my faith as far back as my first week when an upsetting incident occurred, in fact on my second day. I ignored my gut feeling because I thought that the school still deserved a second chance and, unlike incidents and issues which have since followed, it was somewhat out of their hands. But with each phone call to teachers and workers at the school, more faith has been sacrificed and transformed into distrust, eventually reaching a point in which I don't trust the school at all.

It's sad because I never imagined this to be the case when I was excitedly shown around the premises a few months ago, but it is a relief that my instincts - who have never before been pushed to such limits - can be trusted. I know more about myself now, although it has come at the cost of my happiness at the school.

As you are unsurprisingly asking yourself, what will happen now? That has yet to be confirmed and, to be honest, I will to take my mind off school altogether for the whole weekend; I've thought about it more than enough today and have reached a conclusion as to what I want to do. Even my brother is starting to look beyond the surface which, as a boy at his age, is admirable and offers a glimpse into his ever-blossoming maturity. As much as I don't want to be drawn into this drama, I would prefer to go through it myself instead of my brother dealing with it; despite towering over me, he is still my brother and I ought to protect him, especially as we do attend the same school together.

I've had enough to say and, according to my bloated stomach, more than normal to eat, so I shall be cooling down and relaxing this evening. After all, it's the end of the week so I'm usually filled with a joy that I cannot even put into words - hurrah! Viva la vida, I say!

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